


The Only Reason I'm Still Standing

by Yeleli_tilki



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Rape, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2018-12-26 20:14:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12066174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yeleli_tilki/pseuds/Yeleli_tilki
Summary: Set from right after Liv returns to the village, something horrible happens and it forces the family unit that's been broken apart to pull back together, with no room left for excuses and no time left for doubts.ROBRON break-it-more-to-fix-it fic.





	1. Chapter 1 : Too Weak to Wake Back Up Again

**Author's Note:**

> This is seriously graphic so please pay heed to the tags and don't read if this could trigger you. I'm jumping right in so turn back NOW if you can't handle a graphic rape scene. I'm not trying to upset anybody so seriously hit the back button if you don't want to read it.

CHAPTER 1 : Too Weak to Wake Back Up Again

Stop. Please stop. No more. Please, no more. 

“Don’t!” He heard himself beg as the man yanked his pants down, exposing him to the icy air. He squirmed uselessly, trying to stop what was about to happen. His arms were twisted behind his back and his attacker’s weight was pressing him into the ground, not allowing him to roll away, not allowing him to move at all. He heard the sound of a zipper being unzipped. He strained at the force keeping him still, desperate beyond measure.

Not this. Please not this. 

But he couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t stop it. There was pressure, sudden agonizing invasive pressure and his mouth stretched open into a scream, no sound coming out. His eyes streamed, tears flowing in gushing torrents down his cheeks. He felt like his entire body was screaming from the pain, like his entire soul was screaming from the unthinkable thing being done to him.

Pain. So much pain, radiating from the origin of the assault up his spine and out along each limb, to every tormented inch of skin. He felt the man draw back… and then push into him once more. Again. And again.

It felt like time was moving in slow motion, like every moment lasted minutes, like every single second contained its own special torture for him to endure. In again. And out again.

“Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.” The cries falling from his mouth sounded inhuman to his ears.

The horrible, penetrating pressure came again, painful and unyielding. His arms, pinned in a vice grip behind his back, felt like they would rip from their sockets if he attempted to free them. But he tried anyway. He struggled, a strangled cry escaping him when an odd cracking sound arose from his left shoulder.

But there was no reprieve.

The man continued his assault, his breath hot on the back of his neck and on the parts of his face not smashed roughly into the asphalt. He kept his eyes closed, not wanting to see what was happening to him, not wanting the horrific visuals to be forever branded into his memory. 

Would it ever end? Please let it be over. Please just let it be over.

The weight lifted from his back.

But it wasn’t over.

Forceful hands closed around his shoulders and rolled him harshly onto his back. He could feel the whoosh of air as he was turned, cold against the overlapping tear tracks on his face. The dreaded weight pressed down on his front now, and his legs were spread apart and held there. And then it came again. The terrible pressure. Pushing into him and ripping him apart from the inside.

His eyes rolled back in his head.

And then Robert’s world went black.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

He woke up with a start, groaning in pain when his sudden movement jarred his aching body. He was still lying there. Where it happened. The man was gone. But he was still here, his pants in a crinkled heap around his ankles, one of his arms hanging limp and useless at his side, his lower back throbbing in sync with the beats of his heart, and his face half scraped off by the asphalt he was lying on. 

He pushed his way to his feet, stumbling into the alley wall as another twinge of incapacitating pain shot through his body. He leaned against the wall, working his pants back up his legs with one hand, his knees knocking together from his uncontrollable shaking. He zipped himself up, ignoring the uncomfortable wetness now soaking into the fabric between his thighs.

He looked down at himself, his shirt torn into tatters, his legs wobbling beneath him, every inch of his skin scraped and scratched and stinging. He felt the tears threatening to fall, the wetness building in his eyes. And he stopped his downward spiral in its tracks. 

He was hurt and vulnerable and exposed. Anyone could walk by and see. He couldn’t break down now. He had to get home. 

But he didn’t have a home. He didn’t have a safe place. Not anymore. 

Tears pricked at his eyes again. Aaron. He wanted Aaron. He wanted the one person in the world that he trusted enough to show his weak side to. But Aaron had abandoned him, had realized, just like everyone else that had ever loved him, that he wasn’t good enough, that he was nothing but a disappointment. A few rogue tears rolled down his cheeks.

He squashed down the despair, wrestling it back into its box. This wasn’t the time or place. He might not have a home to go back to, but he had a room at the B&B. 

And that would have to do.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

He couldn’t walk on his own. He had to hold himself upright by hanging onto the protruding bricks of the alley wall and then the links in the fence running along the sidewalk. It was dark. Passer-byers were scarce. The people he did see kept their eyes averted, assuming from the state of his face that he was some kind of vagrant, and avoided getting involved.

He made it to his car, patted his pockets, and then searched, with growing panic, for his keys. 

Please be there. Please be there. 

They were. He closed his eyes with relief and fished them out with his working arm. He glanced at his other arm, unmoving at his side. He’d have to drive one-handed, he thought numbly. 

He climbed into his car, and, despite the fact that he hurt, that he hurt all over, he kept his eyes from closing and he managed to drive himself to the B&B. 

When he finally arrived, parked haphazardly in front of the building, and got out of the car, he noticed he was bleeding. He twisted carefully to ascertain the source, closing his eyes at the sight. And then he averted his gaze from the dark red stain spreading across the back of his pants and half-crawled his way up to his room, thanking the universe that no one was around to catch a glimpse of him in his current state. 

He was exhausted, so exhausted it even seemed to dull the pain he was feeling. He wanted so badly to curl up into a ball in his bed and sleep through the next couple days, but, even more strong than that want, was the desperation he felt to get clean. He had to wash off the stink of sex and fear that had sunk into his clothes, that still lingered on his skin. So he made his way into the bathroom and began one-handedly peeling off his clothing, purposefully not looking down at himself as he did. He climbed into the shower, turned the water on, and forced himself to remain still as the water stung nastily at his cuts and bruises.

His mind zoned in and out of focus. He was in the shower. Then he was pulling on some sweats. And then he was lying in his bed, trying not to think about what he'd just gone through, trying not to remember the pain and the revulsion he'd felt being touched by someone he didn't want, trying not to realize that he had absolutely no one that would stand by him and help him through this, and doing everything in his power not to think about the fact that the man that had just turned his entire world upside down was still out in the world walking around, free to come after him again. 

He shivered, curling into himself, and finally let the tears come. They flowed down his cheeks in torrents, soaking into the bedsheets beneath him. He closed his eyes and did his best to turn his brain off, to let his mind go blank. It took time, but eventually his energy depleted completely and he fell into a restless, exhausted slumber, too tired to have nightmares, too traumatized to sleep soundly, and too weak to wake back up again. 

END of CHAPTER 1


	2. Chapter 2 : On Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liv doesn't get the reception she was hoping for. Aaron takes action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Thanks to everyone who commented and had positive things to say <3 You're all wonderful for taking the time to do that and I appreciate it more than I can express, hence my overuse of emoticons: <3 <3 <3 
> 
> I know the story started off with some difficult and controversial content. I just wanted to say one more time: I'm not writing about this topic to offend anyone or undermine anyone or anything. I don't claim to understand what it's like to go through something like this and if I've portrayed it in a way that offends, I really do apologize. 
> 
> That being said, there were a great deal of supportive comments from people who wished to see the story continue and I hope that those of you who were offended, will feel free to not read any further into the story and leave those who wish to keep reading in peace. Thank you.

CHAPTER 2 : On Him

Liv was stomping down the street, angry tears in her eyes. She’d just had a conversation with her brother, just heard what had been going on at home whilst she’d been away. And she was furious.  
   
Robert had cheated on her brother. He'd screwed up their family. He'd ruined everything good in her life. And she needed him to hear that. She needed to scream the truth at him, scream it so loud that he couldn't ignore it or block it out. She wanted him to feel the despair and the loss she felt. Because this mess she found herself coming home to, was all his fault.   
   
And it was a mess. All of it. The Mill. Her brother. This baby drama she couldn't even wrap her head around. A big fat mess.   
   
And Robert should clean up his own messes. She didn't want to do it. He needed to come back, to get down on his knees and apologize until her brother took him back, until her family was whole once more. That's what she was standing on the stoop of the B&B to tell him, that he better be sorry and he better make it right again.  
   
Liv combed her fingers through her ponytail nervously as she raised her fist to rap on Robert's door. She hesitated and then she knocked loudly, waiting with an ear cocked towards the door.  
   
There was no response from inside. She knocked again. Nothing. The angry tears started forming in her eyes and she slammed her open palms against the door in frustration.   
   
And then she was yelling, the tears falling down her cheeks. "Robert, I know you're in there! You're car's parked outside. Open the door!" Still no answer. "You don't get to hide in there like a coward! You cheated on my brother. You ruined our family. At least have the decency to face me." She stopped pounding on the door, leaning heavily against it and listening for any sign that Robert was coming. But there wasn't a peep from inside.   
   
"What? You and Aaron are done so now you can't be bothered to talk to me? No reason to pretend to care about me anymore? Is that how it is?" The words were out before she'd had time to think, before she had a moment to realize how much they hurt to say. And what hurt even worse was the fact that, even after she'd bared her soul, she still was met with only silence. Her tears splattered on the floor at her feet and she turned away from the door and ran out of the B&B, ran all the way back home, ignoring Aaron's surprised shouts when he saw how upset she was.   
   
"Liv?" He cried, bewildered as she flew past him. He followed her upstairs, knocking on her door. "What happened, Liv? Are you okay?"   
   
She sobbed into her hands behind the door. "I'm fine. It's nothing." She mumbled through her tears, trying to steady her voice.   
   
Aaron stood back from the door, angry now. She'd been to see Robert. And she'd come back crying her eyes out.   
   
That wasn't okay.   
   
He was out the door and half way to the B&B before his brain had even processed the fact that he was headed for an altercation. And then he was standing in front of Robert's door, banging his fists against the wood loudly, yelling for his ex-husband to come to the door. But there was no answer at all. Aaron pounded on the door even more violently. "Open the God damn door, Robert! I want to know why my little sister came home in tears, dammit." Still not a peep from inside.   
   
He shook the door handle in frustration and found, to his surprise, that it wasn't locked. The door swung part way open. He froze in the doorway, a feeling of unease settling over him.   
   
Why was the door unlocked? Robert was a stickler about locking the front door. He never forgot. He swallowed nervously, his previous anger forgotten, and pushed the door all the way open. He spotted Robert right away, curled up unnaturally under the covers of his bed.  
   
His feet shuffled him forward and he called quietly, “Robert?” The figure curled up in the bed didn’t respond. He moved closer, whispering fearfully now. “Robert?”  He felt the beginnings of panic tightening his chest and smothering his lungs.    
   
He gasped as he caught his first glimpse of Robert’s face, covered in scrapes and scratches, and found himself at his ex’s bedside in milliseconds, leaning over him, grasping his shoulder and shaking him. “Robert, wake up! Wake up!” He was shouting far too loudly, but even still, Robert showed no signs of waking.   
   
Aaron felt his heartbeat quicken even more as he reached out with a shaking hand to check for a pulse. Please. Please, he thought. Please.   
   
It was there.   
   
He breathed out half a sigh of a relief before realizing that, while there was a pulse, it was far too faint. It was barely there. He needed to get Robert to a hospital. And the fastest way to do that, would be to take him there himself. It’d take too long for an ambulance to arrive; plus, he didn’t know what was wrong. He had no idea why Robert was lying here with practically no pulse. He didn’t know how much time Robert had, which meant there was no time to waste.  
   
He yanked the covers off of Robert’s unconscious form.   
   
He froze, his intake of breath halting half way, his eyes wide and staring, his mouth dropping open in horror. There was a wide, circular bloodstain extending outwards from where Robert lay. And the source of the blood was unmistakable.  
   
Aaron couldn’t breathe. His mind was stuck trying and failing to process the image in front of him. There was so much blood, too much. And his brain seemed to stall whenever he got to the question of what could have caused injuries like the ones Robert had. He could only process simple objectives. Get Robert into his car. Drive to the hospital. Get help. Save him. 

 

With only those guiding his actions, he leaned down and scooped Robert up, pausing only to snatch Robert's car keys off the floor, and then ran out of the room, down the stairs, and out of the B&B, with his husband cradled in his arms. He laid him as gently as he could into the backseat of his car and then jumped into the driver's seat and took off driving at top speed. 

The trip was a blur. He drove with one eye on the road and one eye flickering towards the back seat in agitation. He could feel the precious seconds ebbing away. 

Please. Need to go faster. Please. 

The car groaned as it was pushed to the edge of its limits. He sped into the hospital parking lot, nearly fell out of the car in his desperate haste, and flew to the passenger door. He yanked it open, lifted Robert into his arms once more, and moved as fast as his legs would carry him towards the entrance to the hospital. As he entered through the doors, nurses and doctors and patients stared, the medical professionals in the room darting forward, after their brief moment of shock, to help.   
Robert was eased onto a gurney and wheeled away, Aaron trailing after, right up until he came upon the doors proclaiming "no non medical personnel beyond this point" and was forced to stop. He watched helplessly as Robert's form disappeared around a corner and then, after standing in the same spot like a statue for a couple minutes, he fell into a waiting room chair and got lost in his tumultuous thoughts. 

Why hadn't Robert called him for help? Why had he chosen to not go to the hospital, to go to the B&B instead, to hide that he'd been hurt from, not just him, but everyone, to the point that he was putting his own life in danger? And what had happened to him, to put him in such a state? What horrible thing had happened to his husband? 

He looked down at his hands, covered in Robert's blood, and he wondered about the past few months, wondered why he'd been so convinced that he didn't need Robert, that he would be happier without him in his life. He'd been so sure it was the right thing, cutting Robert out, giving him the cold shoulder, telling him "never going to happen" over and over, every time he came pleading for another chance.  What could he have been thinking? He'd been lying to himself, all this time. How hadn't he seen it before? Why did it take something like this to make him see?

And the question that hurt him the most: if he'd been more honest, with Robert, with himself, could he have prevented this atrocity from happening? Could he have done something to protect his husband? 

Was this on him?

END of CHAPTER 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to clarify, I really don't think any of this is even indirectly Aaron's fault, but I do think it is super in-character for Aaron to direct blame towards himself so that is why I've left him with thoughts like these. 
> 
> Started chapter 3 already; more to come soon. I hope you guys enjoyed (and continue to enjoy)! Thanks for reading <3


	3. Chapter 3 : Are you going to run away from me again?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liv does some reflecting. Aaron talks to a doctor and finds himself unable to cope with what she tells him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! So I'm pretty happy with how this one turned out. I got a little bit creative at the end- I'm curious to hear your guys' thoughts about coping mechanisms. This was my take on what Aaron's coping mechanism might be.
> 
> I hope you guys like it! Thanks for reading! <3 <3 <3

CHAPTER 3 : Are you going to run away from me again?

Liv heard Aaron go crashing out the front door and she knew he was on his way over to where Robert was. And there was going to be yelling.

She didn’t know how she felt about that. Robert was arrogant. He was vain. He was a lot of things. But he was, he had become, a brother to her. And she didn’t want to lose him. She didn’t. He was part of her small, imperfect family. She didn’t know why he hadn’t answered the door, but now that she had cried a bit and her tears had washed some of her stress away, it didn’t seem so obvious to her that her original assumption was correct. Maybe he wasn’t home. Maybe he’d gone for a walk. Maybe he’d been asleep with ear plugs in. She didn’t know. The next time she saw him, she’d ask. Until then, she decided she wouldn’t make up her mind about Robert Sugden. 

Because one thing she’d learned over the past year was that the prickly Sugden exterior was only a defense mechanism, used to hide a caring, selfless center. And she knew that such words would sound insane to most. But she was one of the few people in Emmerdale who knew Robert Sugden’s soft side. She’d seen it when he’d refused to abandon her brother and subsequently saved his life when their car had taken a nosedive into a lake. She’d seen it when her brother went to prison and Robert slept on the sofa because he couldn’t stand sleeping in their bed without him. She’d seen it when she’d asked if he was going to send her to stay with her mom while Aaron was inside and he didn’t hesitate for one second to tell her that she wasn’t going anywhere, that of course he would look after her. He was really very selfless when it came to the select few people he loved…

And she felt grateful that she was one of them. 

So she hoped that Aaron finished with his yelling quickly, that he got over this stubborn streak of his, because he needed Robert back in his life.

And so did she.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Time seemed to move nonlinearly as Aaron sat there in the waiting room. One minute it would fly by, the people in his peripheral vision moving around faster than he could process, and then the next minute, it was at a complete standstill, as if he was frozen in limbo, waiting and waiting and waiting. 

“Mr.Sugden’s family?” 

Aaron bolted upright, his head swinging back and forth, desperately searching for the doctor. She looked serious. It made his heart shiver in his chest.

He followed her to a private room, sat down, and stared across the table at her, his eyes screaming, pleading. Tell me he’s okay. Tell me. Say it. 

Please.

She didn’t speak right away, but her gaze was analytical when she looked at him, like she was sizing him up. “You’re the one who brought Mr.Sugden to the hospital?” Aaron nodded, his eyes trained on her face. “And you’re also Mr.Sugden’s husband?” Another nod, no hesitation, the past months a meaningless blur. She paused, her gaze flicking away and then back to him. She seemed to come to a decision about him then, and her professional demeanor slipped away somewhat. She frowned at him and her eyes grew sad. “The good news is Robert pulled through surgery. We were able to stop the internal bleeding and replace the blood he lost with a transfusion. He had a separated shoulder, but it doesn’t look like he’ll need surgery to repair that. He will, however, need to undergo physical therapy to return it to full function and he’ll need to keep his arm in a sling for a while.” 

Aaron let out the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. Robert had made it through surgery. He would get to see him again, see him alive again. He’d get to look into the eyes of the man he loved again, to hold his hand, to speak to him. All those things, those tiny insignificant things, that he took for granted, that he threw away, that he suddenly cherished beyond measure, he’d get the chance to do those things again. With Robert.

He’d never felt so grateful.

His thoughts came to a screeching halt as the doctor continued, moving on from the good news to the bad. “Mr.Dingle, you were the person that found Robert and you saw his injuries.” The doctor paused. “So you may have already worked this out on your own… Your husband was the victim of a sexual assault.” 

Aaron could have sworn his heart stopped beating when the doctor spoke those words, that every muscle in his body arrested.   
No. He hadn’t worked it out on his own. Because every time he’d run into the question of what had happened to Robert over the past few hours, his mind had stopped short in its tracks and he hadn’t allowed himself to follow that particular train of thought any further. He’d realized, deep down, he supposed, but his conscious mind had remained relatively, blissfully ignorant. He’d known the answer. He’d known all along.

But he hadn’t allowed himself to think it.

And now that he had, now that his blissful ignorance was shattered, he couldn’t deal with it. He couldn’t. It was too much. It hurt. 

It hurt! 

IT HURT! 

IT H-

His mind went blank and he found himself swimming through an abyss of nothing and settling into that safe place in his mind, the secret hideout in his head, the place he went to when it hurt too much to process what was happening in reality. He waited there, waited for the world to quiet on the outside. He decided he’d just stay where he was, stay until whatever it was that was hurting him had passed on. 

But then he heard something strange; the door to the safe place inside his head swung open and a familiar blonde boy with freckles walked through, staring at Aaron with tear-filled green eyes.

“Aaron.” The blonde boy said. 

“Are you going to run away from me again?”

END of CHAPTER 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sort of wrote that end part in a wave of inspiration. I hadn't planned it, but then it sort of just popped in my head. I chose to portray Robert as a child on purpose. Partly this was because Aaron's "safe place" is supposed to be something Aaron created as a coping mechanism while he was the victim of abuse as a child. That's why his safe place is likened to a secret base. 
> 
> Thanks again for reading (and listening to me babble about my thought process...) <3


	4. Chapter 4 : Stronger and braver and better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron decides to fight for Robert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me too long - sorry everybody! I honestly lost my inspiration for a little while :( the spoilers got me down and the most recent stuff on the show... but then there was some hopeful news today and I got a teensy bit fired up again ;) so here's another chapter!
> 
> Thanks to anyone still reading and sorry again for the long wait <3

CHAPTER 4 : Stronger and braver and better

Aaron just gaped at the angelic, young version of Robert that his mind had conjured up. “I’m not-“

“You’re running.” Robert said, his eyes sad. “Even though I need you, even though you said you loved me, you’re running away because it’s painful to face. You’re shutting down and leaving me to deal with this all by myself.” Robert looked down at himself as his image started to fade, as his body grew translucent, and his gaze rose to meet Aaron’s one last time, his voice escaping in a breathy whisper. 

“I can’t deal with this by myself, Aaron.” 

And then Robert disappeared and Aaron’s safe place was his own once more. He was safe. Nothing could hurt him here. But Robert… Robert didn’t have a safe place. If he stayed locked up in his head, cut off from the painful truths he didn’t want to face, Robert would be alone, out there in the real world, suffering, with no one to help him through. 

He had to stop running. He had to face it head on, for Robert’s sake. He couldn’t stay here, in his head. He couldn’t. 

Not this time. 

So he stood up, opened the imaginary door, and he stepped back out into reality.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

“Mr. Dingle?” The doctor was asking, her eyes filled with concern. “Mr. Dingle, are you alright?”

His previous vacancy cleared as he came back into himself, and he focused his gaze once more on the doctor in front of him. “I’m sorry. I’m fine. Please continue.” 

She looked between his eyes, measuring his sanity perhaps, and then sighed. “We performed a rape kit when Robert was brought in.” Aaron flinched. “And we also contacted the police, as is procedure… However, it will be up to Robert to decide whether or not he wants to press charges.”

Aaron’s brow furrowed at her words and he felt a stab of annoyance. If the police were involved it would make it so much harder…

So much harder to kill the son of a bitch responsible for this. 

The thought made him go cold. 

He meant it.

He meant it, with every fiber of his being. He wanted the monster dead, the monster who’d nearly killed the man he loved, who’d hurt his Robert in this unspeakable way. He felt the flash of burning anger ignite in his chest, felt an icy fire raging through his veins. 

Dead. 

Not arrested. 

Dead.

That’s how he wanted the monster. And, if he was being all the way honest with himself, he wanted to be the one to do it, wanted to be the one to make the monster pay.

He took a deep breath, calming himself. This wasn’t the time for anger and revenge. He needed to be there for Robert now. He could get his payback later on, once Robert was okay. He focused his attention on the doctor again.

“I understand you want to see him, but I need to make it clear that, while his physical injuries have been treated, a trauma like this leaves mental scars and we have no way of knowing how bad those are until he wakes up. He’s going to need a lot of support and, if you’re the one who’s providing that support, you’re going to need to have a lot of patience.” The doctor warned him, her tone serious, her eyes trained on his face. 

Aaron nodded, his previous anger replaced with sadness. “I understand.”

She nodded, satisfied, and gestured for him to follow her. He fell into step behind her, his nerves making his hands shake. Would Robert even want him there after everything that had happened between them, after the way he’d treated him these past months? 

He didn’t know the answer and that scared him. But, what scared him even more, was that he didn’t know if he was strong enough to get Robert through this, to help him fight against the crippling fear, the nightmares, the ever-intruding horror-filled memories, that Aaron knew he would be facing in the days, the weeks, the years to come. 

When he had been at his lowest, Robert had been his rock, had supported him patiently and unwaveringly, until he was able to stand on his own once more. And now Robert needed him to return the favor and he didn’t know if he was capable of doing that. 

He was weak. 

He’d always been the weak one, leaning on Robert, leaning on his mum, on Liv, on Adam, on everyone else. And Robert had always been so strong, so independent, not leaning on or relying on or counting on anyone else. His and Robert’s entire relationship was founded on the paradigm in which Robert was constantly fighting for them, standing up for him, and twisting himself into pretzels to try and make him happy. But what had Robert gotten for his trouble? He’d gotten a husband who gave up on them every chance he got, who ran away from him when things got difficult, who only ever asked him to change, to twist himself up more and more. 

Robert deserved better than that. He deserved a husband that would fight for him, that would stay through the hard times, that would support him now and forever, that would love him no matter what. 

And Aaron couldn’t let him go, couldn’t let him find someone else. He couldn’t bear the thought of another person taking his place, of giving Robert the unconditional love he had promised to, but never had, given him. He couldn’t bear it. 

He had to make things right. He had to make up for all the times he’d run when he should have stayed and fought for them. He had to make up for it starting now. He had to be stronger than he’d ever been before. 

Stronger and braver and better.

END of CHAPTER 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh and did I make the stuff from the end of the last chapter any clearer? I tried to clarify a bit more within the story but I don't know if I managed it or not- let me know :) thanks again for all your comments <3


	5. CHAPTER 5 : I was busy being stubborn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys start to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm doing short chapters again. I know this bothers some people... sorry about that :/
> 
> I get short bursts of inspiration and I write and sometimes I get short chapters out of that.... idk
> 
> Anyhow, if you're not a fan of the short ones... maybe wait until I post a few chapters before reading? That way it won't seem so short... yeah... idk sorry

CHAPTER 5 : I was busy being stubborn

It was painful. Walking in. Seeing Robert covered in gauze and tubes and wires. Knowing what injuries hid beneath the bandages. It was painful. But he walked in and he sat at Robert’s bedside and he didn’t shut any of it out. He didn’t run.

He stared at Robert’s bruised, cut-up face and he waited for his eyes to open. 

And they did open. They opened, blinking at the sudden onslaught of light, and then slowly they moved around the room until they landed on him. 

And then they clouded over. 

“What…?” His voice cracked from disuse. “Aaron? Why am I…?” He looked down at his hospital gown, his brow furrowing in confusion. “How did I get here?” And the next question he asked only with his eyes: Why are you here?

Aaron blinked back the wetness in his eyes and launched into a recollection of the day’s events. “Liv went to see you and she came back really upset. So I went over to give you a piece of my mind and I found the door unlocked to your room at the B&B…” He swallowed the emotion choking his throat. “I found you inside and you were injured and I couldn’t wake you up.” He paused, getting ahold of himself. “You were bleeding and I could barely feel a pulse so I brought you here as fast as I could.” He finished quietly, his eyes trained on Robert’s face as he waited for his reaction.

But he didn’t expect what he saw there.

Disappointment.

He watched Robert’s face fall with disappointment, as if his hopes had just been dashed. The confusion from before had been completely replaced with a sad resignation.

“I see.” Robert said in a whisper. He was such an idiot. He’d managed to convince himself within the span of a few seconds that Aaron being here at his bedside meant there was hope, that he still cared, that, somewhere deep down, Aaron still loved him. 

But that wasn’t the case.

His husband- his… ex-husband… had always been good, too good to find someone hurt and not take them to a hospital, too good to ignore the suffering of others, whether they be enemies or friends. 

Aaron had found him hurt. He’d brought him to a hospital. His ex had done the good and decent thing. And now Aaron had done his duty as a good Samaritan and any moment now, Robert knew, he’d be walking out the door. He’d go back to ignoring him, back to pushing him further and further out of his life. And, God, that realization hurt, like a knife twisting in his gut. It hurt even more because he’d let himself hope, just for a second, that things might be different, that the look in Aaron’s eyes might be one of love. 

He was such an idiot.

His gaze dropped from Aaron’s, a lone tear running down his cheek. 

Aaron saw the tear fall, saw the hurt in Robert’s expression, and he reached forward and grasped Robert’s hand firmly. Robert’s eyes flew to his, wide with surprise. And it was like a damn burst inside Aaron and the words he wanted to say came flowing off of his tongue. “I thought the only way I could get better, the only way I could find stability, was to separate myself from you. I thought our relationship was toxic, that it, that you, were responsible for my losing control. I didn’t want to believe that it was my own fault, that it was my own weakness, that led me to do some of the awful things I did. I blamed you. I blamed you and it made it so much easier. I could walk around feeling like a weight had fallen from my shoulders, like I’d excised the poisonous things from my life.” Aaron bowed his head sadly for a moment, holding on even tighter to Robert’s hand as Robert tried to pull it out of his grasp. “But it didn’t take long for my guiltless life to start to feel like something was missing from it. I started to miss you and I could feel my resolve to stay away from you weakening.” Robert was watching him now, taken off guard by his admission, no longer attempting to snatch his hand back. “And that’s when I started to get mean. It made me angry that it was hard to be away from you. I’d convinced myself you were the reason my mental health had deteriorated. You’d done wrong. And I needed to remember that, to repeat it over and over like a mantra. So I started to treat you like an ex. I said things… things like I didn’t care, like what you did didn’t concern me, like your opinion didn’t matter to me anymore. It was so easy to get mad at you for trying to lure me back in, for making me miss you, for staying in Emmerdale and keeping your ring on even after I told you it was over for good.” Robert stared at him. He kept going. “And then I started to feel my so-called stability start to crumble. I saw you less and less and my life felt so empty, so colorless. And I was unhappy all over again only this time… this time I didn’t have you to turn to. I only had me and my own idiotic decisions. But, even still, I wouldn’t admit it to myself. I wouldn’t admit to myself that kicking you out of my life had been the biggest mistake I’d ever made.” 

“And that’s what I was doing, while you were getting attacked.” He squeezed Robert’s hand.

“I was busy being stubborn.”

END of CHAPTER 5


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